Blossom Through the Memories
I’ve danced my way through so many styles, from Hip Hop, Popping, Locking, Waacking, House, Samba, Belly Dance, and of course, traditional Indonesian dancing. But for the longest time, freestyle dance felt completely out of reach. Even after mastering the basics of Hip Hop, every time I tried to jump into a cipher to boost my confidence, I ended up feeling more deflated than ever. Instead of empowering me, these experiences made me question my abilities and left me second-guessing my place in the dance world. The self-doubt even led me to switch styles frequently, chasing after something that didn’t demand the same vulnerability.
I’ve always struggled with self-expression, especially in front of others. As an introvert, I find it difficult to speak or perform unless I’m absolutely certain of what I’m doing or saying. It’s a fear of being judged, of messing up, and that fear has kept me from fully embracing the freedom of freestyle.
Yet, when the topic turns to traditional Indonesian dance, something inside me lights up. This art form connects me to my roots in a way that nothing else does. The intricate movements, the cultural stories behind them – everything about it feels like home. I can perform these choreographed dances on stage with confidence, but when it comes to freestyle, even with all this knowledge and passion, I freeze. The fear of being laughed at or seen as less skilled paralyzes me. It’s ironic because freestyle, by its very nature, has no rules… it’s pure expression. So how could anything I do be “wrong”?
Now that I’m in Bali, immersed in learning traditional Balinese dance and absorbing new choreography, I’ve felt safe knowing that freestyle wasn’t something I’d have to confront anytime soon. But then, an unexpected challenge presented itself. I met Ketut Sedana, a talented artist who was collaborating with a local coffee shop, Imadji Coffee, painting murals at various locations around Bali. His art, a vibrant form of self-expression, caught my attention.
Ketut had a vision, a final night of performing arts he named “Blossom Through the Memories”, that would bring together different artists to create a full interpretive piece, blending poetry, sound, visuals, and, as the final piece of the puzzle… dance. To my surprise, he asked me to be the one to perform that dance, and not just any dance, he wanted me to freestyle.
Me? Freestyle? The very idea sent a wave of anxiety through me. But Ketut saw something in me that I couldn’t see in myself. He believed in my ability to express something unique through dance, even if I was too scared to believe it myself.
This opportunity forced me to confront my fears. It was a chance to break free from the internal battle that had held me back for so long. I realized that this was more than just about dance, it was about reclaiming my confidence and embracing self-expression in all its forms.
I had just one week to prepare, and backing out wasn’t an option because I knew I had made a commitment. It was time to face my fears. I spent the first few days wrestling with my thoughts, knowing that if I couldn’t bring myself to freestyle in the privacy of my own space, there was no way I could do it in front of an audience. Even alone, I felt exposed, struggling to shake the idea that freestyle just wasn’t for me. But I kept pushing, determined to let the music guide me and move without overthinking.
On the day of the performance, I was surprisingly calm – until five minutes before I was supposed to go on stage. Suddenly, the nerves hit me like a wave, and I felt sick to my stomach. But there was no turning back now. My name was called, and I stepped onto the stage. As the music started, something unexpected happened. My mind cleared completely. It was just me, the music, and the moment.
Honestly, I can’t even remember what I did while I was dancing. It’s as if my mind has blocked it out, perhaps to shield me from any potential embarrassment. But when the music stopped and the performance ended, the feedback from the audience was overwhelmingly positive. Their response filled me with a sense of accomplishment I hadn’t expected. I’ve purposely avoided watching the footage from that night. I want to keep that memory untarnished, basking in the positive light of the experience.
This performance was a breakthrough for me, and I’m determined to keep pushing myself. Freestyling is still a challenge, but I’m learning that the only way to conquer my fears is to keep confronting them. In my own time, in my own space, I’ll continue to practice, to push past the fear, and to find freedom in the movement. And I guess my first freestyle performance at Blossom Through the Memories was the perfect way to begin my journey as a freestyle dancer, truly embodying the event’s theme as I blossom through the memory.
